Last night I was reminded of the darkness that comes with heroin. There was a girl so strung out that she had no control of her arms and hands. Her face was twitching and she was as pale as any human can be. I didn't know her, but I know her friend who was playing it down. I think my friend was high on the shit as she was also pale and rather clammy looking. I've seen this crap before. I've seen what women and men will do for a shot of that shit. These people will do whatever it takes to get high. Wherever there is someone strung out, surely there is a bag somewhere nearby. There seems to be a rise in this heroin thing happening. Not only are pain killers becoming a major issue (has been), but there is also a heroin increase happening. I know for a fact that this is not just a poor issue. Heroin like alcohol seems to be readily available on every street. In a town like the one I'm in, something like heroin is just par for the course. But there is something different about it when you see it right in front of your face. You get to see first hand the confusion and the sadness that comes with it. It steals their soul. You cannot dance with the demon and the party always comes to a halt.

I ind mysel in constant worry mode. It seems I have always been comortable in worry mode. I think I got it rom my mother. Growing up, I watched her worry about stu she couldn't possibly have control over. I saw her make a big deal out o things that were very minor. I suppose having 4 kids and a ull time job with an absentee husband who worked all the time was tough on her. I just don't think they make people like my mother anymore. I mean, the woman still has balls and she is battling dementia. I am constantly reminding her o the lessons she taught me... especially the one about stealing. When I was 6, I stole a rock rom dean's rock shop. I orgot about it and let it in my jeans. When mom ound it, she knew I had no money or it. I received a chewing out, a lecture, and a beating beore she drove me back to the rock shop to return the item. Little did I know she called Dean to let him kno what happened. It was a set up. I went inside and apologized to Dean in ront o my mother and handed the rock back to him. That was 1974 and I have stolen nothing since that time. I've been stolen rom, but I never steal. You see, back in the day, when a kid messed up he usually got his ass beat. It was a kind o deterrent. I never liked getting beat, so I always listened to the words and elt the pain so as to NOT experience that shit again. It has to be done early in lie I think. Being the last child, I think my mother knew that by the time I was o age. 

Out here in Vegas, I get to see people doing strange things. Just the other night I saw a guy in the middle o a highway chewing out every passing car. One night I witnessed a wedding reception where the bride ell three lights. Her new husband came down and waited or the ambulance. Once it came, he went back inside the casino. I was at the library one day and a young guy walks in wearing a leotard with dixie cups as breasts. He also had Pippy Longstocking hair. At any given moment one can see just about everything out here. This is a great place i you are looking to cut back on your inances. I'e seen people take themselves all the way to the edge and then go over. Some o them have allen beore and know the way back. Others have no idea what it's like to have nothing. To these olks, aving nothing is a measure o ailure. But as with everything in lie, one persons ailures could very well mean the liberation o another. It is the liberation rom "things" that should be priority number one in many peoples lives because things can be no real and true measure o success. How could they be?

The Doors - Riders On The Storm

I think too many people are making money rom books about depression. I they don't suer with depression themselves, then their book(s) are invalid. I understand that not all people with depression are able to talk or write about it. I however am one who can do both. Maybe writing is (a) way o preventing mysel rom doing something stupid. I don't know. Some days I don't eel like doing anything at all while other days I could go all day doing something. I have never really has an inbetween part in my lie. It has always been all or nothing. It was that way when I drank beer. Twelve was just a beginning. But it took time to get that sick. With depression, the eelings o uselessness never really go away. This is why I drank so much beer. Alcohol washes the depression away or a spell. Time makes it such that more and more becomes necessary. It gets old needing a drug. So, Ater I quit, I had to deal with my very best riend all day long. I totally get why some people are always working or doing something ater work. They may be suering with depression as well. Nothing takes care o depression more naturally than staying busy. Trying to remain pill or booze ree is very oten a chore or many people.A good portion o them surely have some orm o control. I never have had control o something I like. The terrible thing about my depression is liking the act that I have never really liked mysel.

Someone said long ago that the truth is stranger than iction. They were right! The things people do to one another in real lie are absolutely amazing. I learned about how people can turn on you relatively early in lie. A close relative o mine was involved in a court case against her boss. Everything was in her avor. The truth was on her side. One day, a co-worker testiied (later determined to be having an aair with the boss) against what was true and it turned the tide o the case. Needless to say it wasn't long beore that co-worker showed up at the house drunk o her ass apologizing or what she had said. We didn't know at that time,o course, that she was just trying to make hersel eel better and those were crocodile tears. She was a real sociopathic type person as I look back. I guess I was about 9 or 10 at the time and since then there have been many more instances o human deception in my lie. I suppose we all deal with demons both on the inside and the outside. The masks we wear can hide a lot more than who we really are... they can hide the lion who, when provoked, will destroy everything he sees using all orms o human deception and lies. One doesn't have to look ar to see deception and lies. One only need to watch the television or a ew seconds. One scary truth about this lie is the act that millions o people watch soap operas. They are ully into the iction. It takes up space in their lives. In any scholarly book, that is straight up insanity.

I've been out o Caliornia or a number o years now. I guess I am a Nevadan now. With this new status, I have come to notice a ew things that are common among young vacationers rom Caliornia or just young people in general. irst, they seem to have questionable manners. They have tremendous eelings o sel worth marked by a complete disregard or world aairs. I could go on and on here and yes, there are always exceptions. We really do have brilliant young people here. But many o our young people get set aside never having the hance to lourish. It's not a perect system and we have a long history o nepotism and riendly ties in high places. This is true o all countries because they too are made up o human beings. It's all about riends helping riends at the top. Those who beneit the most have the money to propagate and inluence the masses. It's a real hoot or them to see the divisions they create and propagate in society. Nobody cares to realize that with every passing day we are all one day closer to the very same place. This is a lesson these entitled young people rom Caliornia do not seem to grasp. They are unable to see any urther into the uture than a mirror or the relection they see on their phones or the selies they take. Then again, I suppose it is natural or an older generation to look upon the new as somewhat o a puzzle or green cloud o mental ineptitude. Many o these kids will settle down and make babies and many o them will act just as their parent's acted. Others will purposely avoid that track and go o entirely on their own to God knows what or where. No matter what these young people choose to do, it is my sincere hope that they, at the very least, say thank you to the waitress or waiter and then tip with a smile. There is nothing worse than a thankless peckerwood rom Ca. mouthing o because his eggs weren't brown on the edges.