Sometimes I am filled with self doubt. Feelings of worthlessness and my hatred of self can sometimes be overwhelming for me. Maybe I spend too much time trapped within myself, alone in this dark room with only the lit screen of my computer providing the light. I feel socially obscure and am no longer comfortable outside my little room inside my head. I do have traces of light that beam through the dark curtains, but that is happening less and less frequently. I suppose writing about these negative thoughts allows me some relief in a weird way. But it never takes the feelings completely away. When I was younger, I could drink my thoughts away. I drank so much it almost killed me more than once. Had I not quit when I did, for the tenth time, I would have passed many moons ago. I have no regrets about my drunken days. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me and I never did like what I saw; not only in me, but all the people I associated with at that time. I think I have a better understanding of why I drank so much. In the end, the demons I had to battle scared me to the point of never wanting to drink again. I may have stopped that form of self destruction, but it seems my negativity has been gaining strength little by little ever since. I feel completely alone in this life. I wish things were different sometimes.

In this country, it is important for the government to keep pressing the value of our military men and women. We have to utter the words, "I am behind our military." Well, who wouldn't be? That is the point. If you are against the military, then you are against the U.S.A. and are a traitor. It's a trap of consciousness. Nobody wants to know the truth about what our government does to perpetuate war for the profit of a few. Nobody wants to know about the contributions of drug companies to those in Congress. Nobody wants to know about the fossil fuel industry and their contributions to Congressional elections. In this country, sadly, money is the root of everything. It is profit before people. The media is complicit in that they keep us divided and lulled into believing their every word. In between the news are drug commercials and other kinds of commercials designed to make people want. There is so much control of the perceptions of the many that people are unable to think by themselves. They only seek reassurances for their already established belief systems. The masses have become blind and obedient to the endless propaganda.