alone and smiling

It is one thing to be alone. It is another to be alone in a relationship. This becomes difficult because of the lies one tells oneself. After a while, the lies become so strong that they are believable- not only to the one who is lying to himself/herself, but also to those around them. People believe everything is okay because that is what is being presented. There is no doubt that presentation is just that, a way to show someone that everything you are doing is okay and everything is fine. But everything is not fine because he or she is alone and smiling and acting as if everything is okay... when it isn't.

Once we prepare for the day backstage (in our homes), we are then responsible for the presence. We are responsible for not only how we look and what kind of a statement we make alone, but we are also responsible for our persona... our whole presence. What our backstage preparation brings to the table can often determine the circumstance and solution to any one issue.

There is a loneliness that surrounds me. It invites me to think and do things I otherwise might never do. From these kinds of thoughts and actions comes a willingness to put myself out there to be scrutinized; to not be afraid to speak of my illnesses. But I don't have that kind of courage... yet. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to escape from myself and the loneliness that surrounds me.

Fair-weather friends are easy to come by. They always appear when things are going well. But when things get tough, they are nowhere to be found. This is part of the human condition. People are drawn to those who are having success. They want to be around that success. They want to be successful themselves.

Very often our authentic selves become lost during the helping process associated with other people. It's really not lost, but covered up over time. We lose our self because of the many choices we have. With these choices come different reactions which may or may not be coming from our authentic self.

Age is a funny thing. I realized that when I was younger I worried about all the wrong things at all the wrong times. The amount of self appointed stress was unbelievable for me. I tried to always do the right thing. I got praise for doing the right thing. But at the same time I saw friends of mine get away with the wrong things and find success. This brings up the question, "What is success?"

There is nobody more alone than someone who is in a bad relationship. Not a typical violent relationship, but one in which everything on the outside looks ideal. But what goes on behind closed doors in an entirely different story. Every day we wake up and prepare ourselves for what we are going to do. We shower, shave, shit, and pick out some clothes to wear. It is in this way that we are all actors. However, nothing is more lonely than having to act all day and night. This is where gray hair originates.