I often think to myself, "Why in the Hell am I here?" "What is my purpose?" These are ridiculous questions nobody can answer. Yet, knowing this, I still ponder these tough questions. The funny thing is: the more I think the less I get done. It's kind of a catch 22 situation. That said, I continue my quest of self discovery. I continue searching and living, looking for answers. I don't see how I can change now. 

Sometimes, much of the time, the best answer to any question is "I don't know," especially when you don't know. I don't believe we hear those words enough. If we do hear them, we let them leave our heads as fast as they got into our heads. What follows "I don't know" should then be a single thought in our minds: What is the answer to that question and then delve into some research. Oh sure we may know a few things about a thing or two, but we are all guilty of claiming to know something we know nothing about.

There have been many times that I just wanted to give up, turn in my chips so to speak. I mean, I have had a few friends end it all. But I have realized that this is not the way. Yes times are tough. Yes I feel bad most of the time. But that doesn't mean I am going to quit. I've been through too much already to quit now. So I keep on moving, not always forward, but I keep on moving. I know that one day everything will come together and I will realize a dream.

When life seems to be nothing more than the same thing every day, revert back to your childhood and see what you were into then. Maybe, over time you can find a way to incorporate this old "idea" into your life now. There is always room for new things in this life, especially if that new thing is something familiar to you.

I constantly think of death and remorse. I cannot get out of it. Sure there are streams of light, but in general, I feel as though I am walking with some kind of darkness... my unstoppable darkness. Needless to say it might be the weather or my life choices that are bringing me down, yet I cannot help but think that there is something more to it than that.

It doesn't take much to push some people over the edge of their anger. It could be the smallest thing that does it. But there is always an underlying reason for such anger. It could mean that something else is bothering them, something that happened sometime before. This type of anger is harmful, especially to the one on the receiving end of this anger. Nine times out of ten everyone around the angry person knows they are unhappy with something. They know there is unhappiness there, lingering, hovering over their head.

I used to like dark bars in the morning time. There was one bar in particular I frequented. I enjoyed talking with the folks from the neighborhood. We all could make each other laugh for days in that place. There wasn't much to it really. It was like a shack. They served one kind of beer, warm. It was the kind of place you go to when all other options have failed... or it's right next door to your house. I look back on those days with awe and wonder.

What does it mean to be lost? It means that you are searching for something with or without your knowledge. It is nothing to be afraid of at all. To be lost is to be set free from the burdens of those things which bring you the least joy. It is a transition period filled with pleasures yet unknown. It is a time to try new things, meet new people, and possibly acquire a better understanding of self.

Human beings don't spend enough time star gazing. Looking at the stars helps us understand just how small we are. It gives us the opportunity to restructure our thoughts to include other people more often. why? Because no matter who we are as individual people, we can always find the time to improve with a more enlightened perspective. Looking at the stars allows us the opportunity to be without provocation, without pretense, without expectation. This can only help with our human relationships.

There is nothing worse than depression. Not in this life. But I have to think that there is a way out. If I stop believing that, then I am not sure there is much else I can do. I will have to live with it. While I am sure that this will not be easy, it is all I know, it's all I am used too. Oh sure I have flashes of light, but as I grow older they seem to be less and less frequent... these light flashes. I look upon them as a sort of hope for the future, that everything will be okay. Maybe I'm just lonely. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like putting a bullet in my head. I mean, some days/weeks just plain suck! Like this week for example. Nothing I see brings me any joy whatsoever. Everything is just blaaaaah shit! I hate these moods. Little things bother me. Slow ass cars in front of me not knowing where the fuck they are and without knowledge of what we like to call "blinkers." People walking slowly in front of the car while I wait to turn left... as time just slips on by like a fuse connected to a pile of dynamite. Slow minded people taking their time in line talking to the check out guy as time just slips on by like a rock bouncing off the water forever. I am just unable to see any light in life. I am in total darkness.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place that is not designed for us. We just feel it. We try to make the best of it, but no matter what we do we never seem to find that happy place. That happy place cannot exist if where we are has nothing to do with who we are. It's okay to be there for someone, but it is also okay to be there for yourself. I have always had a tendency to make sure those around me are happy or content with what is going on, whatever it be. And in those processes I have lost myself. I have forgotten all the things that make me happy. It takes a lot of work to find oneself again. But the rewards are very much worth the pain and agony.

we must be willing to go the extra mile when it comes to reaching our goals. There has to be some sort of a plan of action and it must be layed out over time. We must know that not all plans go as planned which is why there must be contingency plans. Both plans should have the same goal(s). even if the people along the way change or circumstances somehow change the plan must continue. It must continue because if we learn that there will be roadblocks along the way we will need the ability to bypass or go through those road blocks in meaningful ways. People should know who you are and what you are trying to do.

Too often we measure ourselves against other people. It's part of our training. Now more than ever we need to abandon our training. We need to explore our true selves. We must make the effort to achieve our goals from the standpoint of ourselves and what we were designed to do with our lives. How do we know what to do with our lives? It comes from that self talk we have inside. It is that part of self that we have a tendency to hide as a part of the training society has given us.

Social Witchcraft and The Secondary Life. Social witchcraft is nothing more than spells that are cast by television and movies and the commercials that pay for them. The Secondary Life is nothing more than the life we lead in our minds when we watch television or movies. Social witchcraft has the power to make us spend money we don't have to keep up with people we don't know; we may not even like those we are trying to impress. We become spellbound by the idea that things will make us better in the eyes of the other. After some time, we begin to prefer the secondary life because we are living a more exciting life in our minds than our own real life. The fantasy takes precedence over the reality of life.

Some days I never sleep. Some nights too. Many days I walk around in a sort of daze, an over medicated daze where everything just kind of blends together. I try to please everyone, but too often I forget to please myself. I lose myself in this grayness. This is where the freight train speeds down the track in my minds eye. This is where I get lost in a cycle of negative thinking. I hate negative thinking. I know it does me no good. But sometimes it's like a need more than a want. I don't know. Maybe I'm covering something that happened to me years ago. If that is the case, I wish I knew what happened.

Very often I find myself looking off into the distance as I wonder about some of the choices I have made in my life. I understand that I cannot go back, nor would I ever want to, and change things. In fact, the thought scares me. I would never want to relive the past because everything in the past has formulated the me right now. And as off as I get sometimes, the me is still fighting, still battling to win the big fight.

We need to be careful when it comes to religion and politics. Once these two things get together, bad things happen... from a historical point of view. Look it up and you will find out what I am talking about. Religion is fine and good so long as it stays away from any and all political agendas. Nothing good can possibly come from this convergence.

Mind control is very real and at the heart of it all is media/television. For good or for bad, mostly for bad, television has infiltrated our minds and our lives. It tells us what we don't want to hear, and then it turns around and tells us what to do about it. For example, if you're sick, you can get the symptoms right from the commercial and then acquire the prescribed remedy. That is mind control.
When a movie comes along that everyone has to watch, hairstyles change, language can change, and a whole new way of seeing the world can be realized... and it's all fiction even if it's based on real-life events. That is mind control and there is billions of dollars wrapped up in it.

I'm not sure anyone can reconcile the fact that we are all alone. We are alone when we're born, we're alone when we live, and we're alone when we transfer to the other plane of existence. Certain people exist that have already experienced that plane of existence. They have insights into the unknown. Whether their accounts are true or not is immaterial. The point is that people wonder and feel. We explore and operate with the conviction that certain answers can and will be found. However, nothing can take our loneliness away even after we have found certain answers that have eluded us over the years.

I do not think it is possible to remain positive at all times. It's just not feasible to even think about it. The human condition can only get "better" if there comes with it the occasional trial or test of will. Without these tests, without these certain and specific trials, learning and growth cannot take place. From learning and growth comes some form of wisdom. This wisdom can then be transferred to the younger generation and so on and so forth. It's okay to lose it from time to time. Life can be a bit overwhelming at times... for all of us.

Some people can be as free as a bird yet still feel trapped by their perceived circumstances. Thinking about things in the wrong way can weight us down and make us feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. For example, as many as 75% of us hate our jobs. We feel trapped by doing the same things everyday and/or are harbored with feelings of being unappreciated. Real or fabricated in the mind, thoughts like these are what brings our spirits down. We may appear to be free on the outside, but in reality we are just being good social actors playing our expected roles.

The most important thing one can give to another is time. We all feel constrained by time. We never seem to have enough of it. Yet we spend hours upon hours on end watching television and movies. We have the time. We all have the time to talk with someone who needs an ear. In many cases, the ear one lends to another can make the difference between life and death. It can be that important.

Failure, time and time again, is what gives a successful person the necessary edge. While there are many definitions of success, there is only one constant in the process and that is failure. There is nothing to fear from failure, but at the same time you don't want to use failure as an excuse to keep failing for the sake of failing. That is a trap nobody wants to fall into. You have to learn something from each case, each instance of failure. This is how success is built.

Sometimes all we need as individual people is an ear to listen and eyes to see. Feelings of being alone or overwhelmed can be debilitating to certain kinds of people. It is hard sometimes just to get someone to listen, someone to just be there for the short and long term. We should all be so lucky as to have a friend like that. Since I have no friends like that, I choose to be that friend for someone else and at least one other person.

I see people living a lie and I look in awe and wonder. I wonder how they can get themselves together every morning (preparation for role-play) just to go to their place of employment (another role to play) of which 75% of American's can't even stand. They do it because they have to do it. They do it because bills have to be paid. Without that job, without that preparation in the morning, without role-play, there is no money for no roof or car or clothes of fun or anything. It is something many people must do in order to maintain some sort of sanity. It's like you have to be insane to maintain your own personal sanity.

Self image is everything. Watch enough television and you will start to question your own self worth. This is the design of media, all media. Identify "a" problem and offer up a solution. You may not even have a problem... with anything. But you watch enough media to know that something has to be wrong. So something becomes wrong and a remedy is needed. Good thing there are so many remedies.

In our lives today there is no more destructive force than television. Through television we get to see problems created and solved with advertising. We get to see murder and marriages, juggling clowns and magicians. We get to be divided politically as we understand ourselves less and less in a world where there is always more and more. .

We have so many selves that it is sometimes difficult to choose which self to use in certain situations. For example, there is a self in us that we never show anybody and there is a self that only our friends see. There is a self in us only our parents see, but not our friends. However, there is one self that is uniquely our own. It is the self that only we see and know. It is the center of our existence. It is who we really are. It takes courage to show that side of us to anyone. But when we do, it is a form of art that everyone will recognize.

If there is one thing that binds us humans together it is the fact that each one of us has doubt about ourselves in some subjective way. For one reason or the other we get hit with doubt usually at the most inopportune times. Like a baseball player striking out or a bowler getting a 7-10 split. If it happens once, doubt says that it can happen again. Overcoming doubt means that success is possible. It means that humanity has a chance to better itself. We all have that chance.

People talk down on philosophy for many reasons. But the most common reason is that they believe that thinking is the opposite of doing. That sitting around talking about life and the order of things is fine, but there ain't no money in it. Certainly it is an exercise in imagination when people engage in the "heavy" topics. However, those who believe that talking philosophy is a waste of time, that having a philosophical frame of mind is somehow damaging to the human soul, actually embrace the idea of having no philosophy. Having no philosophy is having a philosophy. It is the philosophy of nothing.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just weren't with the program? Well, I'm having one of those weeks right now and it's driving me absolutely batty. Every move I make feels like I am moving in slow motion under a strobe-light. Things are cloudy and my mind isn't thinking straight. I tried to take a nap, but my eye lids weren't heavy enough I guess. 

You have to start somewhere. Pick your spot and make your move. Know that the road will not be easy and you will be spending a lot of time alone. Once you get over the fact of being alone in your quest, you will feel more a part of things than you have ever felt before.

Life is a poem, a movie, a story as individual as one can imagine. Within the framework of life there exists ways to make your dreams come true. As long as your dreams are realistic, anything is actually possible. But dreams have to be deeper than money or fame or prestige-these things work just fine in the movies. They have to fit into your primary life, not the life that exists inside your mind (relating to media images and sounds). The dreams inside your mind, how you relate to movies and television programming; how you place yourself inside the story, are part of what is called The Secondary Life. It is fiction. It is where unrealistic dreams are manufactured and processed. The primary life is the day to day drag of having to do things you may not like doing for the sake of paying bills. It is difficult, but life is a poem in a movie... part of one great story.

Some people feel everything. They feel everything to the point where it hurts. They empathize with other people and feel their pain. This brings about anxiety which is caused from not paying enough attention to the self. But how? How do people just turn themselves off to the plight of other people? How can they learn to pay more attention to the things that have an effect on their own personal lives.... not in a selfish, uncaring way, but in a good way? Practice, practice makes perfect.

There is no pride in living a life for the shine in the eyes of another. If you want to be a good example for kids, for example, show them what it is like to follow your instincts and act with presence of mind. Teach them how to be respectful, thoughtful and kind. Teach them to follow their minds eyes and allow the symbolic gestures of the natural world to show them the way; the way to silence where the archives live and breathe stacked tall enough for more than the eternal glance. In those pages lie more than words. Inside the archives lies the love of many people who are no longer with us. Few of them lived the life of another.

even if you feel everything in your heart you are one of the lucky ones... as confusing and difficult as it may be at times. the spirit world has a way of coming into our lives so that we may catch a glimpse of what real color looks like and what real bliss feels like.

There is a difference between loving what you do and being in-love with what you do and how you do it. Loving what you do means that the process or activity itself is what is the most fun. Being in love with what you do means that everything about the activity brings satisfaction. It is the activity plus all the people the activity affects that brings the most joy. An artist is someone who is in love with what he/she does.

originality isn't something that can be manufactured. Originality is ugly and full of mistakes. It is sometimes difficult and always interesting. I love the original people. They remind me of classic films.

It takes a man of courage, a real madman to step away from his life to lead the life he was meant to live. It really is a hell of a decision to make on ones own. For all those with the courage enough to change everything just to live a more... sensible life, well done and good luck.

My life is in a holding pattern right now. This is something not of my own choosing. In time I will see my dream come to fruition. But until that time, I will wait in vain. I will wait and try to heal myself from these god damn demons that seem to relish in my struggles.

I am alone today. I was alone yesterday. It seems everyday I am alone. Even when I am among friends or family, I feel alone. Maybe that is because I am alone in my world; we all are alone in our own worlds. Knowing this fact, I find it more and more difficult to want to leave my room, to talk with people, to not be alone. I must continue learning, dreaming, wanting to improve. But I am not sure what improvement means. I am alone today and that's okay with me... I think.

May this day be your best day. May you find the answer you were looking for and may that answer lead to even more answers. May you find peace where there once was anger and may you understand your value... not only to yourself, but to all those that surround you.

I had my patience tested again today just like yesterday. Once again I had to deal with a whinny little bitch who just had to have his way. I worry about his entire generation. It is almost as if they expect certain things to just come to them. They seem to be extraordinarily selfish. If I played my hand that way when I was his age, I would to this day have no friends.

Expectation isn't something that requires much thought. It is an assumption that one or more things will happen as a result of some action that you have taken. I think we would do better in life if we decided one day not to expect anything and just be grateful for what comes our way. We may prefer for certain things to happen, but this has nothing to do with being grateful for the opportunity of things happening.

There is the reality of the day and there is the reality inside our minds. The reality of our day stated simply is where we are actually in life. It is separate from where we think we should be and it is separate from each and every dream we have. The reality inside our minds can be as majikal as we can imagine. We can feed off of media to keep our dreams inside alive. The connections we make between our reality of the day and the dreams we gather from watching various media are real. Many people prefer the dreams inside. They rely on the connections they make between shows or ads or movies to enhance their dream factory... or The Secondary Life.

We are encouraged to drop childish things once we reach a certain age. It is like the age where dreams die. Very often, people will reference the bible once they begin the process of crossing out any childhood dreams that may have been present. Parents are famous for doing such things. When you're young you can do anything. When you hit that age you work and make time for dreams later.

I don't know how I can go on when all I do is fill myself with sadness. Things are very negative for me now. I see doom and gloom in the forecast. I see people making money casting media-spells upon the masses.

I am alive today and for that I am thankful. It has been a long road of late and I could use a new perspective. So I thought about it and decided it would be best for me to focus on that which is good rather than worrying about the things that are missing in my life.

It seems like I spend most of my time waiting for something to happen. Even if I didn't initiate action, still, I expect a full reaction. I do believe this is a form of insanity. Maybe it's experience, but something tells me nothing will happen if I continue this ridiculous waiting.

Once the past is gone, there is nothing that I can do to change it. This is a good thing. I have never really been bothered by my past. Sure I fucked up. But that is no reason not to accept it. I mean, there have been a lot of fuck ups by myself and everyone I know. Knowing that they cannot be changed frees the future up for even more fuck ups. They will be of a different kind, but fuck ups nonetheless they shall be.

I've been a nervous wreck all day today and I have no idea why. I woke up anxious and I remained anxious all day... right up to this point now. Some days are like this I guess. They are for me anyways.

Trouble me 10000 maniacs

The universe has a way of making me realize that things are not as bad as I sometimes think. Too often I think too much about the things that bother me when it would be just as easy for me to think of the things that bring me the most joy.

If it is something that you are passionate about, then it is a good idea to do a lot of it. Make a statement with your passion... so long as nobody gets hurt in the process. One day it will be your legacy.