If you are reading this, then maybe it was meant to be. I want to tell a smaller version of a story. Throughout my 20's and on into the beginning of my 30's, I did the best I could to stop feeling so bad about myself. I wrote all about this pain in these composition books so I would never forget. I realized that during this time I was hiding away from myself. In fact, I was trying to slowly kill myself off with alcohol. I figured that one night I would go to sleep and just keep right on sleeping. I did a lot of things during those times that could be considered chancy. I was hammered in the middle of the night and a friend of mine along with two women made the trip to Mexico. I don't remember the drive. But I do remember going to this bar where a school bus was sticking out of the second floor. I remember a large man picking me up and shaking me before setting me down. Laughing, he proceeded to fill my mouth with tequila from a distance of five feet. I later had to find my friend who disappeared. I found him in what could only be called a brothel. He was at a table talking to a strange woman. I knew it was a bad idea, so I grabbed him and we walked out. On the train back to the motel in SD, I watched my friend slowly pass out on the train. He fell over like a tree and cracked his head open. I took my shirt off and stopped the bleeding. The gash wasn't that bad. Needless to say, it was all very stupid and out of control. Over time, my drinking increased and all my relationships at that time centered around alcohol. My body began to require it. I would shake all over until I got enough beer in me to take it away. I knew this life-style was unsustainable, yet I continued onward. In time, I preferred drinking over eating. I started falling apart both physically and mentally. I kept asking myself, "How long is this going to take?" I never expected to see 30, yet here I was approaching my mid 30's and still I was harboring a self hatred that started to get stronger and stronger. I felt nothing but isolation and despair. I could not be helped. I went through periods of sobriety, but those times were always short-lived. The hatred of myself was very strong as the alcohol no longer took the pain away. It only served to increase my dependence. For the ninth and final time, I quit all of it. As a result, it took me to a most unholy place. Withdrawal is hell. And my own personal hell terrified me. This is why I never wanted to stop drinking. I didn't want to have another chat with the devil in his domain. I finally realized that I was indeed playing on the wrong side of things not meant for me. I finally got through this self appointed hell and started to think about what to do with my sober self. So I decided to finish school and get my masters. My depression remained and the same pain I tried to silence with alcohol was even more intense. I thought about driving my truck off a cliff. I figured that would be quick enough for me not to feel anything anymore. There is much more to the story. But the point is, I have seen it, lived it, loved it, and then hated it. I learned to not only listen to myself, but also listen to others with similar issues. I wish I had someone during those times who would just sit there and listen to me. Nobody ever did. My friends would try, but they never really thought much about it. For them it was always simple, "Stop!" They would often tell me to get out of my head as they would chuckle. Well, it's not that easy. Changes like these take time. It takes tremendous patience and a longing to not feel so fucking bad all the time. I do not understand why I have always hated myself. To a certain extent, I still am no fan of me. If any of this sounds familiar to you, just know that you are not alone. Your struggle is real and I understand that fact. Withdrawal is horrifying, but it is a mere precursor to the agonies associated with being alcohol free. It is frightening to encounter society through a sober lens. It is frightening to have to seek out a place for yourself in this life after such horrible experiences. Anyways, if you read this, just know that you have a friend in me. I come free of judgement with a whole heart and a whole mind ready to listen. I know the truth when it comes to trying to avoid what your mind keeps telling you about how much of a nothing you are in life. Depression is a heavy burden I have been living with all my life. Just know that you are not alone. I am still searching for myself and I believe I am making progress. But the depression remains as it has been my one true friend, my secret friend, all my life. There are no easy answers. It's been over ten years now since I had a beer. I know that if I started drinking again, I would be gone in no time. Just know that you are not alone in your struggle. People are out there, in every town, who are just a phone call away. Find them. Make friends with them. They are your allies. While the pain and self hatred never goes away for me, it could be different for you. Just try. I think you're worth it!