Some days I never sleep. Some nights too. Many days I walk around in a sort of daze, an over medicated daze where everything just kind of blends together. I try to please everyone, but too often I forget to please myself. I lose myself in this grayness. This is where the freight train speeds down the track in my minds eye. This is where I get lost in a cycle of negative thinking. I hate negative thinking. I know it does me no good. But sometimes it's like a need more than a want. I don't know. Maybe I'm covering something that happened to me years ago. If that is the case, I wish I knew what happened.

Very often I find myself looking off into the distance as I wonder about some of the choices I have made in my life. I understand that I cannot go back, nor would I ever want to, and change things. In fact, the thought scares me. I would never want to relive the past because everything in the past has formulated the me right now. And as off as I get sometimes, the me is still fighting, still battling to win the big fight.