There is nothing worse than depression. Not in this life. But I have to think that there is a way out. If I stop believing that, then I am not sure there is much else I can do. I will have to live with it. While I am sure that this will not be easy, it is all I know, it's all I am used too. Oh sure I have flashes of light, but as I grow older they seem to be less and less frequent... these light flashes. I look upon them as a sort of hope for the future, that everything will be okay. Maybe I'm just lonely. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like putting a bullet in my head. I mean, some days/weeks just plain suck! Like this week for example. Nothing I see brings me any joy whatsoever. Everything is just blaaaaah shit! I hate these moods. Little things bother me. Slow ass cars in front of me not knowing where the fuck they are and without knowledge of what we like to call "blinkers." People walking slowly in front of the car while I wait to turn left... as time just slips on by like a fuse connected to a pile of dynamite. Slow minded people taking their time in line talking to the check out guy as time just slips on by like a rock bouncing off the water forever. I am just unable to see any light in life. I am in total darkness.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place that is not designed for us. We just feel it. We try to make the best of it, but no matter what we do we never seem to find that happy place. That happy place cannot exist if where we are has nothing to do with who we are. It's okay to be there for someone, but it is also okay to be there for yourself. I have always had a tendency to make sure those around me are happy or content with what is going on, whatever it be. And in those processes I have lost myself. I have forgotten all the things that make me happy. It takes a lot of work to find oneself again. But the rewards are very much worth the pain and agony.

we must be willing to go the extra mile when it comes to reaching our goals. There has to be some sort of a plan of action and it must be layed out over time. We must know that not all plans go as planned which is why there must be contingency plans. Both plans should have the same goal(s). even if the people along the way change or circumstances somehow change the plan must continue. It must continue because if we learn that there will be roadblocks along the way we will need the ability to bypass or go through those road blocks in meaningful ways. People should know who you are and what you are trying to do.

Too often we measure ourselves against other people. It's part of our training. Now more than ever we need to abandon our training. We need to explore our true selves. We must make the effort to achieve our goals from the standpoint of ourselves and what we were designed to do with our lives. How do we know what to do with our lives? It comes from that self talk we have inside. It is that part of self that we have a tendency to hide as a part of the training society has given us.

Social Witchcraft and The Secondary Life. Social witchcraft is nothing more than spells that are cast by television and movies and the commercials that pay for them. The Secondary Life is nothing more than the life we lead in our minds when we watch television or movies. Social witchcraft has the power to make us spend money we don't have to keep up with people we don't know; we may not even like those we are trying to impress. We become spellbound by the idea that things will make us better in the eyes of the other. After some time, we begin to prefer the secondary life because we are living a more exciting life in our minds than our own real life. The fantasy takes precedence over the reality of life.

Some days I never sleep. Some nights too. Many days I walk around in a sort of daze, an over medicated daze where everything just kind of blends together. I try to please everyone, but too often I forget to please myself. I lose myself in this grayness. This is where the freight train speeds down the track in my minds eye. This is where I get lost in a cycle of negative thinking. I hate negative thinking. I know it does me no good. But sometimes it's like a need more than a want. I don't know. Maybe I'm covering something that happened to me years ago. If that is the case, I wish I knew what happened.

Very often I find myself looking off into the distance as I wonder about some of the choices I have made in my life. I understand that I cannot go back, nor would I ever want to, and change things. In fact, the thought scares me. I would never want to relive the past because everything in the past has formulated the me right now. And as off as I get sometimes, the me is still fighting, still battling to win the big fight.