i push myself away

Never alone you desire to be. You want, you want, you want. Never more alone shall you be than when you fulfill your self fulfilling prophecy. Inside you know there is emptiness. Inside you know there is no body that can help you; the shield is too strong and has far too many bricks and blocks to take down. Your design is such that you can never be happy. Your desires, your wants, are of social design far removed from self. You have become an animal only to be measured by those who seek fulfillment on the big stage. The stage inside is of no consequence as you put yourself together for your daily roles and rituals that take you further and further away from you. 98.2 LLC

How fucking sad is that?

unhappy-by design

The systemmatic voices viewed in disarray limit our capacity, cage our minds, and our souls become sore from shots taken. Because we never allow ourselves full committment to any one thing in particular, we find ourselves seeking tranquility from awkward spots that are not accomodating in design for the often untravelled road of suspects. The suspects are people who seek their personal fulfillments in life that often run contrary to what is considered the norm. The backlash created by those who have not the courage to do the same is often wordy, misguided, and sad.
Never seek advice, or take it, from someone who has never had the balls to be the person they really want to be. These are the real suspects and they do more damage from their dark spots than anyone could ever do from places of designed light.
The systemmatic voices inside our heads are designed for a specific purpose; but the purpose is to take, use, and misuse the void created by our everlasting desire to look better than we feel inside. The emptiness is created by the systemmaticness of our culture and our desire for more stuff-by design. Most people are suspects because they have at the ready, prepackaged excuses for their actions. This is what sad people do and this is why they all walk together and remain vigilant in their desire to be unhappy-by design.

stripped pants and orange slippers

My uneasy patterns deny me the right to become the man I once was. As a child, it was the garden that gave me the most joy. In the garden every morning I would check for cracks in the soil to see if my carrots or lettuce or watermelons were coming. I remember vividly how it made me feel as if I were a part of something greater than myself. The garden taught me how to watch over and care for something that had life and value. It was not a requirement mind you; my folks encouraged enthusiasm for things so long as those things were not hurtful to people. I was fortunate enough to have a great neighbor who had corn growing in his back yard and he was the one who inspired me to start a garden for myself.
The garden was my single solitary place where everything else in my life was simply not there- and I was content. I grew as we all do and developed patterns contrary to my garden space. I became one who took more than I should and I made nothing but lies and created nothing but cries. I became a selfish young man with desires and fires burning inside that ushered in more representatives from the darkness: These are the spiritual entities that guide people through the tough times cloaked and spiteful on the inside with a specific design in mind.
I finally reached an age where I could no longer tolerate myself and decided to find my original way. I had to go back to the times when there was grace in my life. I needed to find rhythm again. I found my place but it no longer requires water and stares. My new space is a solitary one but the cracks come not from the ground but by the sounds that fill my ears and grind away my tears in the words that come through the spaces provided by the entities of the beautiful ones that require no deceit, no lies, and no ties that bind the imagination and turn the soul in the wrong direction. They are the ones who know that I have the same worth as a dandruff on picture day.
My uneasy patterns give me the right to be the individual I am and have become. I fall in no lines and yet I wear stripped pants and wear orange slippers everytime I leave the house. 98.2 LLC

shaken only stirred

What is real can never be set on top, tagged with hand written numbers in some shop. What is real can never be measured, spaced, or lined with lace. What is real contains salt from tears of experience that come with time and heart felt thoughts concerning those who are most dear. What is real can bring a joyful tear, which is one of the best things in life. What is real can never be seen; it can only be felt on the inside like a dream. What is real sticks inside forever and when you try and shake it, you will find it cannot be shaken; it can only be stirred. 98.2 LLC

daily smoothover

We engage in dialogue so that we may make clear our individual perspectives, but rarely are these perspectives representative of ourselves. We always act on behalf of others in some way, shape, or form. Because of our longterm committments and circumstances through which we derive sustenance in the end, we become lost in our fulfillment of our number one long term committment. It is in this way we adjust in our ignorance as we age. We accept us for the roles we take on and see no reason to look beyond the guards we employ to keep us safe in our committment, safe in our way, safe for now but itching inside for a new design while hope flavors the days daily dish. 98.2 LLC

experience unexpected

Take the fear that has been planted in you; like it; realize it; or not, and postpone it for a day just to see how it feels. Abandon your robotic ways and turn right on the way home instead of going straight. It may take you a little longer to get home but you may learn something, or see something, or feel something you have never felt before. To have an experience unexpected is to fulfill your number one duty while occupying your space; to have something inside that did not exist before that you can remember and draw upon. It is these things in our lives that allow us to create valuable memories that define who we are in the social world as well as who we are as people; as far as they can see. Nobody really knows anybody, as far as we can see! 98.2 LLC

The design relies

We enjoy telling ourselves we can't. I know I do and I have embraced that notion for years. I tell myself constantly what I cannot do which makes the things I can seem short of the line; not quite home. This becomes a greasy spot on our thought processes which then begin firing only partially. From there even the most beautiful thing is only a partial speck of what it can be. This is the acceptance of the self fulfilling prophecy by design.
Once we accept the bad news of having to let our dreams fade away to become successful from all those who did it years ago and who now rely on meds or God or both to get through a day, we accept a life that can only be at its best 10% of what it should be. The first time we close the door on ourselves in any way, that is a testament to how limited we are-by design. 98.2 LLC