Sometimes I am filled with self doubt. Feelings of worthlessness and my hatred of self can sometimes be overwhelming for me. Maybe I spend too much time trapped within myself, alone in this dark room with only the lit screen of my computer providing the light. I feel socially obscure and am no longer comfortable outside my little room inside my head. I do have traces of light that beam through the dark curtains, but that is happening less and less frequently. I suppose writing about these negative thoughts allows me some relief in a weird way. But it never takes the feelings completely away. When I was younger, I could drink my thoughts away. I drank so much it almost killed me more than once. Had I not quit when I did, for the tenth time, I would have passed many moons ago. I have no regrets about my drunken days. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me and I never did like what I saw; not only in me, but all the people I associated with at that time. I think I have a better understanding of why I drank so much. In the end, the demons I had to battle scared me to the point of never wanting to drink again. I may have stopped that form of self destruction, but it seems my negativity has been gaining strength little by little ever since. I feel completely alone in this life. I wish things were different sometimes.

In this country, it is important for the government to keep pressing the value of our military men and women. We have to utter the words, "I am behind our military." Well, who wouldn't be? That is the point. If you are against the military, then you are against the U.S.A. and are a traitor. It's a trap of consciousness. Nobody wants to know the truth about what our government does to perpetuate war for the profit of a few. Nobody wants to know about the contributions of drug companies to those in Congress. Nobody wants to know about the fossil fuel industry and their contributions to Congressional elections. In this country, sadly, money is the root of everything. It is profit before people. The media is complicit in that they keep us divided and lulled into believing their every word. In between the news are drug commercials and other kinds of commercials designed to make people want. There is so much control of the perceptions of the many that people are unable to think by themselves. They only seek reassurances for their already established belief systems. The masses have become blind and obedient to the endless propaganda.

Just because I am a hetero-sexual male does not give me the right to hate those who are gay. I knew gay kids when I was growing up. A few didn't know they were gay until they reached adulthood. Did that make them not my friends? Did I throw Jesus at them? Did I invite them to church? Do I believe their "demons" can be exorcised through religious intervention? The answers are no! I simply understood then as I understand now that my business is my business just as their business is their business. What do I think of gay marriage? I think marriage is marriage. Those who happen to like the same sex have just as much right to be miserable as any other couple.
I understand that homosexuals scare those who were raised with the Bible. They refer right away to Leviticus; a political favorite. By the way, how much would you sell your daughter for? I hope you're not left-handed or have any tattoos. I am sorry, but you cannot pray the gay away. I have gay family members. Are they not worthy of my love and respect just as I would give any member of my family who wasn't a prick? The point is, this whole gay thing is old. The religious argument is old. We need to move past it. If you own a business that makes cakes, for example, and you find out that one of your cakes is a wedding cake for two women and you then protest using your "religious freedom," then you belong in another time and are using God to cover what you don't understand or may be hiding yourself. Loving God is personal. It is NOT national. We have to remember what time we live in. We need to refer to reality once in a while.
The earth is billions of years old. Get over it. The earth is not flat. Deal with it. The earth is but a floating speck caught in a tiny beam of sunlight way out in the middle of vast space and vast time. Get over it. It's time for us to be cool with one another. None of us had a choice as to what color we are or what part of town we were born in. We had no control of our family's economic status. We just came from two horny people who were either looking for a child or simply made a mistake. In either case, it is the choice of those affected by that one night of fun to keep the child or adopt it out, or choose the abortion route. The consequences and choices are solely the responsibility of the parties involved, period. It is nobody else's business. We do not live in Heaven. We live in an imperfect world with leadership that refuses to accept certain truths and a population that has been so propagandized they can't think straight.
Now, from the church stage, a pastor can recommend and endorse a political candidate. And yes, it will usually be a Republican. Why? Because they have more money and want to keep that money rolling in. If it is a show or tied to business or social standing, then it can be called something less genuine.

Religious extremism is not limited to Islam. It also includes Christianity. Neither is tolerable.

There is a trap in my country. This trap requires all people, willing people, to sink themselves into debt while constantly buying things they do not need. My country and its people, by and large, have become selfish. They have been brainwashed in a mechanical and long-term way. These people believe that he who has the most wins. I have to ask: Wins what? Life is not a game to be won. Life is not about the acquisition of things as things do not make up for what has been lost. Many of these materialistic people buy as if they were on automatic pilot and in many ways they are. They spend unnecessary money on unnecessary things to impress upon people their own success. The thing is, success is poorly measured in a material society that runs on debt. The only way for material people to show how they have achieved in their lives is to show off as much as possible the things they have and the places they have traveled too. I am not a part of this fiction. I never wanted material goods. I only need what I need and that is all. There is such a thing as too much. I wish people here understood how they are doing what they are told to do. But, I'm afraid it is a most difficult thing to shed spells that have been cast upon you by thieves and liars.

If you are reading this, then maybe it was meant to be. I want to tell a smaller version of a story. Throughout my 20's and on into the beginning of my 30's, I did the best I could to stop feeling so bad about myself. I wrote all about this pain in these composition books so I would never forget. I realized that during this time I was hiding away from myself. In fact, I was trying to slowly kill myself off with alcohol. I figured that one night I would go to sleep and just keep right on sleeping. I did a lot of things during those times that could be considered chancy. I was hammered in the middle of the night and a friend of mine along with two women made the trip to Mexico. I don't remember the drive. But I do remember going to this bar where a school bus was sticking out of the second floor. I remember a large man picking me up and shaking me before setting me down. Laughing, he proceeded to fill my mouth with tequila from a distance of five feet. I later had to find my friend who disappeared. I found him in what could only be called a brothel. He was at a table talking to a strange woman. I knew it was a bad idea, so I grabbed him and we walked out. On the train back to the motel in SD, I watched my friend slowly pass out on the train. He fell over like a tree and cracked his head open. I took my shirt off and stopped the bleeding. The gash wasn't that bad. Needless to say, it was all very stupid and out of control. Over time, my drinking increased and all my relationships at that time centered around alcohol. My body began to require it. I would shake all over until I got enough beer in me to take it away. I knew this life-style was unsustainable, yet I continued onward. In time, I preferred drinking over eating. I started falling apart both physically and mentally. I kept asking myself, "How long is this going to take?" I never expected to see 30, yet here I was approaching my mid 30's and still I was harboring a self hatred that started to get stronger and stronger. I felt nothing but isolation and despair. I could not be helped. I went through periods of sobriety, but those times were always short-lived. The hatred of myself was very strong as the alcohol no longer took the pain away. It only served to increase my dependence. For the ninth and final time, I quit all of it. As a result, it took me to a most unholy place. Withdrawal is hell. And my own personal hell terrified me. This is why I never wanted to stop drinking. I didn't want to have another chat with the devil in his domain. I finally realized that I was indeed playing on the wrong side of things not meant for me. I finally got through this self appointed hell and started to think about what to do with my sober self. So I decided to finish school and get my masters. My depression remained and the same pain I tried to silence with alcohol was even more intense. I thought about driving my truck off a cliff. I figured that would be quick enough for me not to feel anything anymore. There is much more to the story. But the point is, I have seen it, lived it, loved it, and then hated it. I learned to not only listen to myself, but also listen to others with similar issues. I wish I had someone during those times who would just sit there and listen to me. Nobody ever did. My friends would try, but they never really thought much about it. For them it was always simple, "Stop!" They would often tell me to get out of my head as they would chuckle. Well, it's not that easy. Changes like these take time. It takes tremendous patience and a longing to not feel so fucking bad all the time. I do not understand why I have always hated myself. To a certain extent, I still am no fan of me. If any of this sounds familiar to you, just know that you are not alone. Your struggle is real and I understand that fact. Withdrawal is horrifying, but it is a mere precursor to the agonies associated with being alcohol free. It is frightening to encounter society through a sober lens. It is frightening to have to seek out a place for yourself in this life after such horrible experiences. Anyways, if you read this, just know that you have a friend in me. I come free of judgement with a whole heart and a whole mind ready to listen. I know the truth when it comes to trying to avoid what your mind keeps telling you about how much of a nothing you are in life. Depression is a heavy burden I have been living with all my life. Just know that you are not alone. I am still searching for myself and I believe I am making progress. But the depression remains as it has been my one true friend, my secret friend, all my life. There are no easy answers. It's been over ten years now since I had a beer. I know that if I started drinking again, I would be gone in no time. Just know that you are not alone in your struggle. People are out there, in every town, who are just a phone call away. Find them. Make friends with them. They are your allies. While the pain and self hatred never goes away for me, it could be different for you. Just try. I think you're worth it!

For some people in this world, the grab for money and power outweighs humanity itself. And what is happening right now, here in the U.S., runs against what we have always proclaimed ourselves to be for. Unfortunately, many people here are blind to the fact that they are receiving bad information and have been for quite some time now. These people are no longer interested in the truth. They are only interested in themselves and their own well being. I can understand. The fear they have buried deep inside is influencing them and they don't even know it. It's like a spell has been cast upon them; not just any spell, but one in which makes these people seek out justification for their personal belief systems before all else. It is a selfish view. It is a view of non-community where the dollar comes before decency as well as humanity.

I don't really hate anybody or anything except those looking to do harm to me, my friends, my family, or my country. This is my reality and I think many of us share this reality. Now, you need to understand, I have never been a fan of religion. And by religion I have always meant that I have a problem when when religions collide and people die. It's all over The Bible. We kill each other for money, for example... or to make other people money. Usually, there is religion wrapped around that tasty cookie. There are simply too many religions and too much hatred involved with a significant proportion of them. Why is my God better than your God? Why is your God white? Why is his God black. Why is their God short with curly hair with a light bulb sticking out of his ass? Religion is divisive, corrosive to the human species and there is way too much money in it. This is not to say that I do not believe in a higher being, i do. I don't think life stops. Just because we are indeed the dirt we walk upon has absolutely nothing to do with the spirit that lives inside each and every one of us. You can call him or her what you please. You can believe what your mother taught you to believe. It all kind of depends on which part of the world you were born in... doesn't it? That said, who am I to say to anybody that what they believe in is wrong? How can you? To me, that seems a bit arrogant and blind. Once you wrap religion into anything to do with the state, then that is like spitting on the graves of fallen soldiers. It's like me spitting on my uncles graves and my cousins graves. I won't do that. I just won't fucking do it! This is America for Christs sake! Wake the fuck up and go outside and play.