never

I want to be taken away, to be flustered in speech and mind. I want to be fresh and new like it was yesterday. I want to sneak away in the night and see my shadow girl who waits for me down the block a ways. Ten o clock she says, and I would listen. I was taken by her. I would have done anything for her. She saw value in herself but it was in the wrong way. That is not to say I didnot partake, I did, but the point is the connection was one way for her and another way entirely for me. She saw a future in her good looks and pristine exterior. Little did she know or care that the window for a human being's best looks, baring sun rays and gene pool, is between 18 and 23. After those ages, we all just get old no matter how we try to hide it or fight it. To be taken away is to not have the capacity to see it coming. This therefor is why it is written about after the fact. The problem is we tend to look for things we read about; things that either already took place or never did. Then we make comparisons. Does this make any sense at all? We are all teken away, flustered in speech and mind because we are all unconsciously taking roles in our conscious mind while we try and match that process with each and every interaction while looking for the spectacular and unexpected; the makeshift dream never to be realized. LLc 98.2

blah

I know where you have been she said with delight in her eye. I know who you were with and I know where you went. She went on to say mean and nasty things without hearing a single explanation from me. As soon as I opened my mouth she would scream louder. After a few minutes of this shit, I decided to walk away. What did she do? She grabbed my shirt, turned me around and beat the shit out of me. She hit hard and it made my head ring a little. After a few minutes I actually enjoyed it. The poor little thing was wearing herself out. Good thing she didn't have a pipe or it would have been my ass.
I had enough and walked away. I drove home thinking of her ways of kissing ass. This one would surely be a doozy. I got home and ring ring ring a fucking ling a ling ling. I pick up and she is balling. I mean this girl is raging out of control with feelings and she was letting them all hang out for the world to see. Little did she know that was the night I decided I would never marry her and breed with her. We stayed together for another year. That year really sicked man!

inevitably comes

Real intimacy is genuine separation from the one you love when the need to be alone inevitably comes. To be intimate is to appreciate the individual endeavors of the ones we care for and be there when necessary; when the road becomes arduous and almost impossible to travel on. Like a real good friend, intimacy is never having to make excuses for yourself for loving the one you love. Most of us will never have that time in our lives where we can honestly say with a straight and pure spirit that we are with someone who makes us feel good about our lives. Yet we search for this intimacy, this connection of spirit. We may have already had it and made it fail by playing around with varying roles instead of playing the one role that is required before we can play any other, the one of us as individual people occupying a place in time. Once we know what it is that brings us the most joy, then and only then will we be in a position to take on the intimate role. Once we play that one, things really don't have to change but they always do; giving up any chance of the intimacy we all so desperately desire-the separation. LLc 98.2

constant lubrication

We are born into the machine that spins with constant lubrication of the flesh and blood of tireless hearts and broken backs. The people from the past were no different than we are now and they were grounded up just like we are being grounded now. However, we no longer have to measure up to the people who can no longer tell their tales and spin their webs just as we do. The machine is equipped with every sort of pain you can imagine. With that imagination one can dream up the worst of nightmares along with the most pleasant of child-like dreams that allow us to wander freely among the spirits that surround us. The machine allows this because outside the machine is a pleasant valley where the only sounds are the wind brushing the caterpillars from the leaves and thumping them down upon another below. Within our machines we must maintain a sense of our dreams. It is through this mechanism that we can see through the residual effects of all our shortcomings and false hopes based entirely on fiction and want. We all lubricate the future with our discontent.

abandon

I want to abandon my want and trade it in for desire. I want to know the differences between the two and be able to contribute to the plus side of this dichotomy. Desire is the driver while want is the social side that always works concurrently with the, " keep up with the Jones's mentality." Desire can never drive the social because it always changes and flows with the times, want changes and responds to the times in the form of falacy and false desire. Like the false representatives who claim this but are actually that, so too is wanting. Desire is always based in the perfect fantasy which should be our everyday while wanting is always based in the here and now and is completely made up and responsive.

lobby carpet

I'm not in the mood to do anything. I have been feeling this way since 1991 when I was forced to watch a movie that was to become one of the highest grossing chick flick movies of all time. I was literally sickened when the movie began and continued to be until I had to exercise my right to get the fuck up out of the chair and go to the lobby so I could catch my breath. Good thing it was 23 below that night; god forbid I should be where the air was dirty. I stood in the lobby feeling my racing heart beat right out of my chest and bounce around on the worn, red lobby carpet. There was a lady standing and watching me as if I was from out of town or something. Little did she know of the hell I was in and yes, I was from out of town. I could have just puked all over her and felt good about it.
Heart still racing and girlfriend pissed in the seat next to her sister, I headed across the street for a drink. It was the least I could do. I started knocking back kamikaze's and beers. I must have had 3 a piece before I walked back to the lobby all red and plush on the edges and worn everywhere else. I received the, " nothing happened treatment " which was the equivalent of, "no sex for you bitch!" Hey, at 21 that is a big deal and a card she played well. One evening I puled that, "I'm not in the mood to do anything " crap and it was ineffective. She got pissed and went out, screwed another guy while drinking on her own money, then came back and lied about it. So, when I now say to myself that I am not in the mood to do anything, I simply don't do anything. I will never sit through a movie I do not want to see and I will never tell a woman that I am not in the mood to do anything. These may seem like small things, but they are not. They are big things and are the design of our inner well being. We associate one thing with another automatically. I want nice associations filled with chewy chunks rather than filtered funks.

memory

The drawback to memory are the many false comparisons that get made when one thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Like computer chips and hardware there comes a time when the need becomes lower and lower for that product. When we compare, for example, the political structure now to the 1960's we can see similarities but nothing more. Memory prevents change in any way it can. This is why things in media last forever inside our minds keeping us at bay with little if anything to say. We are trapped inside ourselves and need media now. If we don't have it, we become lost and really pissed of. So now there becomes, as has always been, a need for media to the point that without it I am completely and utterly lost. Why? Because every time, if memory serves me correctly, that the power has gone out because of a wreck or the weather, and the power goes out, there are people in the street rolling out of their houses with flashlights and candles talking out loud about how shitty life is. This conditioning has made us weak to think that without media we are lost forever.