I constantly think of death and remorse. I cannot get out of it. Sure there are streams of light, but in general, I feel as though I am walking with some kind of darkness... my unstoppable darkness. Needless to say it might be the weather or my life choices that are bringing me down, yet I cannot help but think that there is something more to it than that.

It doesn't take much to push some people over the edge of their anger. It could be the smallest thing that does it. But there is always an underlying reason for such anger. It could mean that something else is bothering them, something that happened sometime before. This type of anger is harmful, especially to the one on the receiving end of this anger. Nine times out of ten everyone around the angry person knows they are unhappy with something. They know there is unhappiness there, lingering, hovering over their head.

I used to like dark bars in the morning time. There was one bar in particular I frequented. I enjoyed talking with the folks from the neighborhood. We all could make each other laugh for days in that place. There wasn't much to it really. It was like a shack. They served one kind of beer, warm. It was the kind of place you go to when all other options have failed... or it's right next door to your house. I look back on those days with awe and wonder.

What does it mean to be lost? It means that you are searching for something with or without your knowledge. It is nothing to be afraid of at all. To be lost is to be set free from the burdens of those things which bring you the least joy. It is a transition period filled with pleasures yet unknown. It is a time to try new things, meet new people, and possibly acquire a better understanding of self.

Human beings don't spend enough time star gazing. Looking at the stars helps us understand just how small we are. It gives us the opportunity to restructure our thoughts to include other people more often. why? Because no matter who we are as individual people, we can always find the time to improve with a more enlightened perspective. Looking at the stars allows us the opportunity to be without provocation, without pretense, without expectation. This can only help with our human relationships.

There is nothing worse than depression. Not in this life. But I have to think that there is a way out. If I stop believing that, then I am not sure there is much else I can do. I will have to live with it. While I am sure that this will not be easy, it is all I know, it's all I am used too. Oh sure I have flashes of light, but as I grow older they seem to be less and less frequent... these light flashes. I look upon them as a sort of hope for the future, that everything will be okay. Maybe I'm just lonely. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like putting a bullet in my head. I mean, some days/weeks just plain suck! Like this week for example. Nothing I see brings me any joy whatsoever. Everything is just blaaaaah shit! I hate these moods. Little things bother me. Slow ass cars in front of me not knowing where the fuck they are and without knowledge of what we like to call "blinkers." People walking slowly in front of the car while I wait to turn left... as time just slips on by like a fuse connected to a pile of dynamite. Slow minded people taking their time in line talking to the check out guy as time just slips on by like a rock bouncing off the water forever. I am just unable to see any light in life. I am in total darkness.