I often think that I have made a significant amount of mistakes in my life. I just don't feel as though I am as far along as I should be. I know I am not alone in the way I feel. I used to put pressure on myself and compare myself to everybody else. But then I remembered when I was a kid I only wanted one key to carry around with me. Today, I have two keys. I am still single and without kids. I never wanted kids. So I stopped comparing myself with those that do. I never wanted a mortgage so I stopped comparing myself to them. I never wanted a "hot" car so I quit comparing myself to them. After all is said and done, I think I have come through it all with more wisdom than I had to begin with. And nobody can place a mortgage on that.

Sometimes I feel as if my life is not moving fast enough. Other times I feel like my life is moving too quickly. Living with extremes is evidence of being bi polar. I was diagnosed bi polar 10 years ago, but I have been this way my entire life. I do the best I can to keep it real with medication and plenty of rest. But the fact is that bi polar is not something I can run away from. It is something I have to make friends with. I have to build on this friendship and learn to manage these extreme highs and lows.

We very often find ourselves in a place with which we are not familiar. The choices we make from such a place can affect the rest of our lives. The most important thing we can do when faced with an unfamiliar place is to rely on our strengths and ability to think our way through. You may find yourself in a beautiful place where you will want to spend more time. You may also find a place that is detrimental to your very existence. No matter where you find yourself, it is you who is there and that is strength enough.

In our lives we move from one place to another for various reasons. But the one constant that we all take with us is the idea that we can change our ways and habits. It's not because of the new location and new people. It's because a new environment opens doors that were not open before. New people mean new ideas and new ideas lead to new ways of life. Ones perspective also changes as the mood of the new area infiltrates the mind, body, and soul.

Very often, what we believe to be true is not true. This is because a first impression is just that, a first impression. There is not nearly enough time to get to know someone simply by the first impression they make. If one does go by first impressions, he or she will be open to scrutiny because of the choices they have made. In many cases, we get so infatuated with first impressions that it throws us off our path to success. It is funny how just one attractive person can throw your whole life into a new direction.

Once we align ourselves with the right people, there isn't anything we cannot do. They say that you are who you hang out with. This is not always the case. Sometimes our friends are separate from our business environment. There must be a separation between what we do for a living and what we do during our down time. The key is finding a balance between the two. Our friends who are not associated in any way with our business can be invaluable assets to our overall well being.

Time as we know it is a human creation. From time we get schedules that have to be followed. We need to get to bed at a certain hour. We need to get at least 8 hours of work in a day to live. We need two days off a week to refresh ourselves from a hard-weeks work. The point is, time as we know it controls us. We live by time... it's all we know. The funny thing about time however is that it runs out for all of us. We forget that through all our scheduling, all our limitations we set upon ourselves because of time, we must relearn the value of time and how best to spend it. Why is this important? Because our time is better spent doing the things that we enjoy the most. If you can find a job like that, then you have arrived in life.

Very often we find ourselves in a place where we don't want to be. It could be a bad relationship. It could be a job of some kind. No Matter the circumstances, the sooner you break away from "that place" the better. Make a plan that is doable and follow through with it. Sure it may take some time, but that is better than wasting time being in a place you don't want to be.

Society is a human construction and nothing more. It must be maintained by everyone. If someone wants to make a change in their life they must first abandon the idea of social expectation. There is only one expectation one should have: take everyday step by step and formulate a plan that is doable.

Dismay

The social world is a lie. It makes us want. It makes us different, yet the same. There is nothing conservative about our social world. If we were to stop buying things we do not need, the economy would collapse and it would no longer be necessary to compare ourselves to other people. We are frequently told what to do, what to watch, and what to like and dislike. It's like there's a map and we are all following it to a hole in the ground.

Sometimes I am blank. I have nothing to say to anyone. Even if I try to hold a conversation, I remain quiet and want to go home. If I am home, then I am in trouble. There is nothing worse for me than having nothing to say and nothing to do. When these times do come, I try and write a few things down so I don't have to pay a shrink.

The worst and longest kind of alone is recognizing the fact that you are with someone that you no longer have feelings for. This "process" can be draining on the self which takes from the soul. Making the transition from being alone to being "alone' is a difficult one. But the rewards make up for the initial change and heartache.

Back around

I keep thinking about my first girlfriend, the one who taught me how to kiss properly. She is on my facebook page and is in a happy relationship. I am happy for her. She was a nice person back in junior high and I have no doubt that she carries those same good qualities with her today wherever she goes. Funny how life brings people back around.

There is absolutely no reason to deny yourself the things that you desire. Follow a step by step plan to achieve your goals. But the most important thing to remember is that it all takes time. There is no rush. Enjoy the ride along the way. Make new friends. Go out and see the world around you. Make the entire process enjoyable for yourself and those nearest to you.

There are many types of friends. There are fair-weather friends who only seem to call when things are going right for you. There are friends who only call when they need something. And there are true friends who never want a thing from you. Sure there are more kinds of friends, but these three are what we humans come across most in our lives. It's a juggling act to keep our lives together because sometimes we don't really know who are true friends really are.

Every television show, well, most television shows, begin each episode with a murder. This leads to a desensitization of the murder process... if you can call it that. There is a murder, a process by which the murder is solved, and then resolution of the case. There is blood, there is destruction, and families are broken apart. Why does murder sell? What sells the programs that sell murder? Pharmaceutical medication.

I know

There comes a point in all our lives where we must admit to ourselves that we don't really know anything. In order to know something, we must first be able to prove it. Oh sure we all know a few things here and there. But for the most part, when looking at the bigger picture, it is very true that we don't really know all that much; especially when one takes into account all the video games, movies, and television shows we watch. Nothing could be a bigger waste of time or more of a distraction.

The older I get the more I appreciate sleep. When I was a young man, I could go days without sleep. I just left myself in party-mode all the time. When I crashed out I crashed out for an entire 24 hour period. Then, once I recovered, which was a very short time, I began the process all over again with the same group of guys. I wasted a lot of time in those days and took chances I shouldn't have taken. But through it all I am glad I lived on the edge the way I did. I took no pictures. I lived it man.

If everyday seems like the same as the one before, it probably is. That said, there needs to be variety in all our lives. We must make it, from time to time, out of our comfort zone. This is where we get to experience new things, new ideas, and new perspectives. It is from such places that the drag of everyday life does not bring us down. In fact, there is no drag in a life that only feels comfortable when doing new and interesting things.

alone

The loneliest of people are not the ones who are literally alone. The loneliest people are the ones who have to get up in the morning and put themselves together for something they cannot stand; another day of doing the same things over and over again with the same people over and over again. We all need to break free from the solitude of being an actor and celebrate who we really are as people.

away

I often feel down or out of sorts in one way or the other. I do not know where it comes from, this darkness. But I do know why it is there: to test me. I have got to believe that or I will lose my mind again. The one thing I never want to do is drink. But lately, drinking seems like it would be a pretty good way to avoid this darkness. The only problem with me and drinking is that we like each other way too much. After some time the darkest of times will return and I will want to die... again.

Nothing in this world is more profound and respected by me than honesty. Without being honest, first with ourselves and then with others, we are nothing more than bad actors looking for some kind of justification for acting the way we do. These justifications are infectious and can damage the self in a number of ways. First, by justifying an act that runs contrary to being honest with oneself one puts him/her self in jeopardy. By that I mean they can become something other than what they are designed to be. This is a place where honesty can hinder the false process. Second, and lastly for my part here, to justify an act that is far and away from the self one makes it possible to abandon any notion of honesty whatsoever.

I think we humans begin the construction of our "walls" early in life... say around the 3rd grade or so. Why is this? It is for protection against the "what is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine mentality." We begin early construction of these walls not only for protection, but also for our need to fit in with the crowd. As we age we identify with certain groups. We talk and dress like everyone else in the group. Once we reach adulthood, our armor changes from jeans and a tee shirt to a suit and tie. But those walls are stronger and more complicated than ever.

I think from the beginning we all want to be accepted. Being accepted fulfills the idea of self worth and friendship. Being accepted brings forth a feeling of comfort where desires can be met and the forces of the world can work in your favor. But the fact is that there are many people acting like they are being friendly even when they are not. This can damage you when they figure out that your friends have been lying about you behind your back and to your face. This is not being accepted. This is being ridiculed for whatever reason. Being accepted is not as important as we think it to be. People are going to do what they do and say what they say regardless of whether or not they accept you as the person you are. To go along with that, there is jealousy. You can always count on jealousy to be an intrigal part of not being accepted.

I'm watching the news and the only things that are on are guns, murder, and politics. The news is all bad. But we have no choices. If we want to "stay informed" we have to watch or read some form of news. I wonder how much money is made from the news? That's what it's all about, money and money only. But what does the news do to affect someone's world-view? The news could be "a" breaking point in the life of someone who is teetering on the breaking point.

All of our assets, everything we have owned and known in our entire lives stays right here as an imprint only of what once was. We can't even take our credit score with us. We are talking about an average of 75 years versus an eternal life. where is your money? I often hear people say these kinds of things and they may have a point. But I believe their reasoning, in cases such as this one, is false. That said, a belief in a higher being is legal. It is the reason many of us wake up in the morning and put in a hard days work. I see nothing wrong with believing in a "god," but there is a problem when that belief system is shoved down people's throat over and over again. 

One of the easiest things in this world to do is to sit on the sidelines while other people play, for example, on television or in the movies. I mean, these people are living out Earthly dreams and desires. In our eyes it is all one big movie and they are the stars of the show. It is almost as if we, as a whole, are sitting on the sidelines in our own lives knowing full well that we can improve in many ways.

We sometimes get injured during our lives. I'm not talking about physical injury. I am talking about the kind of injuries that occur within the mind. Maybe it steals your confidence or makes you feel bad about yourself. These are healable wounds. In time these kinds of wounds do heal, but they leave a mark on the inside and serve as reminders that it is possible to be injured. This is part of the human experience.

I find myself repeating myself every day. I am beginning to get myself into my own way. I am thinking too much and acting too little. But I feel that in order for me to be successful I would have to act. I hate acting. I feel comfortable alone. At the same time, I miss a lot of beautiful things. But each day I get a spectacular sunset.

I often hear people say they're bored. I get bored from time to time. But does that mean that certain lives are really boring? Well, if you suffer from depression, days can turn into weeks and months of boredom and depression. It is a cycle that is difficult to get away from. In time they say it will get better. Well who are they to say anything about depression and being bored? These are the kinds of people that say, "Get over it!" There is no real way to get over it. Sure there are drugs to help depression, but these drugs don't always work. The depression and boredom is sometimes just too strong to shake.

alone and smiling

It is one thing to be alone. It is another to be alone in a relationship. This becomes difficult because of the lies one tells oneself. After a while, the lies become so strong that they are believable- not only to the one who is lying to himself/herself, but also to those around them. People believe everything is okay because that is what is being presented. There is no doubt that presentation is just that, a way to show someone that everything you are doing is okay and everything is fine. But everything is not fine because he or she is alone and smiling and acting as if everything is okay... when it isn't.

Once we prepare for the day backstage (in our homes), we are then responsible for the presence. We are responsible for not only how we look and what kind of a statement we make alone, but we are also responsible for our persona... our whole presence. What our backstage preparation brings to the table can often determine the circumstance and solution to any one issue.

There is a loneliness that surrounds me. It invites me to think and do things I otherwise might never do. From these kinds of thoughts and actions comes a willingness to put myself out there to be scrutinized; to not be afraid to speak of my illnesses. But I don't have that kind of courage... yet. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to escape from myself and the loneliness that surrounds me.

Fair-weather friends are easy to come by. They always appear when things are going well. But when things get tough, they are nowhere to be found. This is part of the human condition. People are drawn to those who are having success. They want to be around that success. They want to be successful themselves.

Very often our authentic selves become lost during the helping process associated with other people. It's really not lost, but covered up over time. We lose our self because of the many choices we have. With these choices come different reactions which may or may not be coming from our authentic self.

Age is a funny thing. I realized that when I was younger I worried about all the wrong things at all the wrong times. The amount of self appointed stress was unbelievable for me. I tried to always do the right thing. I got praise for doing the right thing. But at the same time I saw friends of mine get away with the wrong things and find success. This brings up the question, "What is success?"

There is nobody more alone than someone who is in a bad relationship. Not a typical violent relationship, but one in which everything on the outside looks ideal. But what goes on behind closed doors in an entirely different story. Every day we wake up and prepare ourselves for what we are going to do. We shower, shave, shit, and pick out some clothes to wear. It is in this way that we are all actors. However, nothing is more lonely than having to act all day and night. This is where gray hair originates.

time

The loneliest people make for the best actors. In public they speak highly of their relationship with their significant other. But deep down on the inside they feel particularly alone. They are tired of the charade, yet cannot seem to find a way out of the comfort of it all; we get used to certain things, good and bad, as time flows forward.

Sometimes I feel like I am there, but I'm really not. I'm never really at home even when I am home. This is the only way I know how to be. Booze didn't work. Now the drugs seem to be working, but the doctor is nothing more than a dealer, a middleman in the cycle of pharmaceutical medications. I am tired of them. I am tired of the worry.